Women of Renown

"She was not! She was...maybe...sixteen!"

Kennedy threw his cards onto the wardroom table angrily. It wasn't enough that Horatio had won yet another day's pay from him, but this was adding insult to injury.

Shaking his head stubbornly, Horatio scooped up the cards and folded them back into the deck expertly, "Sixteen, Archie? That's being a bit generous, don't you think?"

The blond haired lieutenant leaned back heavily against his chair and crossed his arms. "Well, she LOOKED sixteen."

"She LOOKED twelve and TOLD you eighteen." Horatio couldn't help but enjoy holding this rare piece of incriminating information over his friend's head. He rocked onto the back legs of his chair casually. "And she played you for every bit of the fool that you were."

Finally distracted, William looked up from the charts on the table in front of him. "I'm confused. How old was she exactly?"

"ffrtnn..." Came the incoherent mumble.

"What?"

"FOURTEEN!" Archie shouted, red-faced. Horatio, grinning broadly, patted his shoulder supportively. His hand was angrily brushed aside. "I didn't know! I was barely older than that myself!"

Bush chuckled. "Robbing the cradle, Kennedy?"

"Better than the grave...right, Horatio?" The front legs of Horatio's chair slammed to the floor.

"What exactly do you mean by that?"

"William," Archie's eyes twinkled, "let me tell you a little story about the Duchess of Wharfdale..."

"If you consider her as being from 'the grave', Archie..."

"Never mind, Horatio," shrugged William, "There's a lot to be said for older women."

Hornblower ran a hand through his hair. "He's not going to tell you the truth. He'll exaggerate everything as he always does..."

Bush shushed him, "A bit touchy, aren't we?"

"No, WE are not 'touchy'. And, unlike Mr. Kennedy's little tryst, there was nothing between the Duchess and I."

"Well," William said, slouching, "THAT'S disappointing."

"I believe the gentleman doth protest too much! I suppose I shall have to wait until Mr. Hornblower is absent to tell you." Archie beamed, ignoring his friend's scowl. "Now, Mr. Bush, you have not told us a thing about your love life, while the two of us sit here and spill all!"

"And whose folly is that?" Bush's eyes went back to the chart hastily.

"Come, come, William. We insist. Don't we, Horatio?" Hornblower nodded, happy to have the opportunity to steer the conversation away from himself.

Bush refused to look up. "Insist all you want, you'll get nothing from me."

"I am afraid we shall be forced to guess then." Archie announced. William and Horatio exchanged confused looks. "Let's see," Kennedy began, squinting his eyes and cupping his chin in between his index finger and thumb, "what kind of woman would Mr. Bush want?"

William rolled his eyes.

"Better tell him," Horatio warned, "He can get pretty creative."

"I see a dainty little lady for William," Archie described theatrically, "A twig really...stringy black hair and a long nose...Oh, no! Wait!" He pointed an accusing finger in Bush's direction. "You seem the type of blackguard that would go after an Admiral's daughter..."

Shoving aside the book that was serving as a paperweight, Bush let the chart roll itself shut with a snap. "You're raving, Archie..."

"Am I? I have no way of knowing...do I?" Kennedy smirked. "I CAN go on. Best confess."

"Fine." Bush squared his shoulders. "You'll make my life hell until I do…"

"Your ideal, Mr. Bush."

"Of course, Mr. Kennedy," he answered with another roll of his eyes, "my ideal." He looked angrily at the two men next to him who leaned forward in anxious anticipation. These were the kinds of talks women had, William grumbled to himself. Casting aside all thoughts as to how undignified such a conversation was, he forged ahead. "My ideal woman would be young--though not as young as you like 'em, Archie--and she would be," he coughed, "coy. And most importantly, she would have to have..." He held his hands, cupped, out in front of his chest. Archie started snickering; Horatio's mouth dropped open in shock. Bush cleared his throat and let his hands drop to his sides, "Virtue." He finished as if it were the only possible conclusion. "She'd have a lot of virtue." A guffaw burst through Kennedy's lips. Bush joined in with a belly laugh of his own. Shifting in his chair, Horatio quickly turned his burning face down to the cards he shuffled absently. His companions, whose laughter was only fueled by their friend's obvious discomfort, did not miss the move.

"So," Archie finally managed to ask, "what would this paragon of virtue look like?" His shoulders started shaking as he attempted to contain another outburst, "From the neck up, of course."

"I don't know," Bush answered, slightly annoyed at the man's persistence, "Dark hair and eyes, I suppose. Nice complexion. Pretty." He deflected the question, "What about you, Archie? Who would be your ideal woman?"

"Ah," said Archie, rubbing his palms together eagerly, "You'd envy me, I think. She would be a classical beauty. Noble features. Blue eyes...of course. Well-dressed. Good manners..."

"Good manners!" William exclaimed, "What on earth?"

"Well, I won't have a boor for a woman, Bush!" A knowing look passed between William and Horatio. This was classic Archie. "Where was I? Ah, yes...good manners. She'd have to be at least a tolerable dancer. Have a good sense of humor..."

"No doubt she'd need it..." Horatio muttered under his breath.

"...And charming." Archie continued, ignoring the interruption. "If I'm going to be spending all my prize money on her, I want to be flattered while doing so. As far as her figure goes...a very important detail, wouldn't you agree, Mr. Bush?" Bush nodded. "Well, I've never been able to tolerate those skinny things that any wind could carry away. Give me a woman with meat on her bones and good child-bearing hips..." He lifted his eyebrows wickedly.

Bush groaned. "Good Lord, Kennedy..."

Archie smiled, infinitely pleased with himself that his statement had evoked such a response. "She'd have to like poetry and literature. Enjoy the theatre. Oh yes, and she would have to be musical..."

Horatio, dumbfounded, broke in, "You've been thinking about this, haven't you?"

"Yes. No sense in not knowing what you're looking for..."

"Sounds like you're looking for Aphrodite."

Archie's eyes lit up. He pounded the table happily with his fist, "Yes, by Jove! Aphrodite! That's exactly who I need!" Horatio laughed.

Bush sneered, "Who?"

"Aphrodite." Archie repeated. William stared vacantly at him. "Come on, Bush...Aphrodite! The goddess..."

"What man WOULDN'T want a goddess?"

"No, no! You've got it all wrong." Refusing to believe that a man could be as ignorant of the reference as Bush seemed to be, Archie persisted. "She's the goddess of love. You know, William..." He swung his arms out in exasperation, "Venus!"

"Oh." Bush said disinterestedly. Archie sighed and turned to Horatio.

"Aphrodite could be the woman for you, Horatio. Borne of the sea..."

"And no more than a myth." Scoffed Horatio. "Better to love a woman than a goddess."* His two companions cast pitying looks in his direction.

"What kind of woman WOULD you go for, Hornblower?" William asked, anxious that the misery be spread equally among them.

"Well," Horatio started shyly, placing the cards in a neat stack on the table in front of him. "I suppose that she would have to be loyal, steady, understanding..."

"And have a head for whist?" Archie added impishly.

Horatio lifted his eyebrows in amusement, "She would have to play better than you do."

"In that case, you shouldn't have too hard a time finding her." Bush joked. "Lord knows I have no head for the game and he owes me...how much is it now, Archie?" The victim of the taunt narrowed his eyes at his tormenter scornfully.

"Yes," Horatio cleared his throat, "She would have to be intelligent..."

"No woman of mine will have more brain than I do," William mumbled.

Kennedy snorted. "Limiting your field a bit, aren't you, Bush?"

"Do you honestly want to be shown up by a woman?"

"Are you trying to tell me you want a stupid woman for a wife?"

"WIFE?" shouted Bush incredulously, "Who said anything about a WIFE?"

Archie shook his head in astonishment, "What did you think we were talking about?"

"Our ideal women! I didn't know that we were supposed to MARRY them!"

"Well, OF COURSE, you have to marry them...why wouldn't you?"

"My ideal woman would never be my wife!"

"Good Lord, William!" Archie grumbled, "Would you marry someone who wasn't your ideal?"

"Why spoil a good woman by turning her into a wife?"

Kennedy gazed blankly at Bush. "Your utter lack of imagination, sir, is staggering."

"It makes little difference, gentlemen," Horatio finally interjected, "Chances are none of us will ever find our ideal partners."

Archie threw another incredulous look at Bush, then turned to his friend. "Anyway, Horatio, what would your girl look like?"

"I've never really thought about it." He answered. "As long as she possesses certain qualities, I'm sure that it won't matter."

Obviously unconvinced, Archie raised his eyebrows, "Very noble of you, I'm sure."

"Well," Bush added flatly, "as long as you keep her in the dark, you needn't worry about such things." He glanced at Archie, who, as he had expected, was smiling appreciatively. "Come on, Mr. Hornblower. Surely you have some picture of what she would look like. You'd never find out what 'qualities' a woman might have if there was nothing else to attract you to her in the first place."

"Hear! Hear!" agreed Kennedy. "Come on, Horatio. Pick a feature...just for starters, what color hair would she have?"

Horatio looked at the floor. "Red." He answered softly.

"Red!" An open-mouthed grin of pure delight burst onto Archie's face. "Horatio! I had no idea you would fancy something so exotic!"

"Exotic?" his friend replied, confused. "What's so exotic about red hair? It's not as if I said blue or something!"

Feeding off Kennedy's good-natured teasing, Bush pounced. "You see, Archie? He likes 'em with spirit!"

"Yes!" Kennedy grinned. "Fiery! That's our Mr. Hornblower for you! Always eager for a challenge! Comes home from taming the seven seas and then..."

"ENOUGH!" shouted Horatio. "I'm sorry I ever opened my mouth." His head fell miserably into his hands.

"Red hair..." teased Bush mercilessly, "I'd never thought about a red head..."

"Well the two of you can have them," Archie dismissed confidently. "Nothing but pasty, freckled things if you ask me."

"No one did." Horatio moaned from behind his hands. Archie patted him on the back.

"Oh, don't worry about it, Horatio. To each his own!"

Outside the wardroom, the clatter of heavy footsteps echoed loudly. The three turned in unison as First Lieutenant Buckland entered. They exchanged the expected formal greetings; Buckland strode to his cabin, retrieved his oilskins and hastily retreated back out. He had not made many social appearances in the wardroom of late. Since the captain's incapacitation, he had not deigned to say much at all to his juniors. Once gone, the brief but uneasy silence lifted.

"Wonder what kind of woman Buckland would want." Archie said lowly.

Horatio flashed a stony look towards his friend.

"He's married, isn't he?" William offered innocently.

Hornblower nodded. "I think so."

Kennedy started to snicker. "Bet I can guess who wears the pants in the family, too..."

"Archie!" Horatio hissed through his teeth. With his usual nonchalance, Archie sprang up from the chair laughing and headed for his cabin.

Catching Hornblower's eye, William shook his head smilingly. "You know he only says those things to get you going, don't you?"

"Well, it works." Horatio seethed. "He'd better have a care..."

"Leave him be, Horatio. He's managed himself this far. Besides," Bush comforted, "if he finds himself at the end of a rope because of his tongue at least you can say you told him so. And wouldn't THAT be satisfying?"

The levity intended by the comment was lost on its recipient. "About as satisfying as being hanged myself."

Bush shook his head again. Sometimes he wondered if Hornblower WOULDN'T get some sick sense of satisfaction out of being hanged. His gaze fell to the deck of cards in front of Horatio. "Archie?" William called, "I'm a bit short...care for a game of whist? I'm sure that we could find a fourth sufficiently ignorant of your skill..."

Kennedy's head appeared from around the corner of the cabin. "With respect, sir," he said with a pleasant evenness, "go to hell. You and Mr. Hornblower have bankrupted me." Horatio closed his eyes in disgust at his friend's flippant manner with a senior. Bush laughed it off; he had long since been able to distinguish between Kennedy's jokes and jabs.

"I find that hard to believe as deep as your pockets are..." Archie rolled his eyes at the comment as he swung a towel over his shoulder and ducked his head back behind the partition. William's face twisted in puzzlement. "You aren't going to sleep, are you?"

"There are two hours before I have the watch...I can spend that time far more profitably with Queen Mab than with the likes of you!"

Horatio finally managed a smile. "No doubt he wishes to dream of Aphrodite. Isn't that right, Archie?"

"Amazingly enough, Mr. Hornblower, you are incorrect."

"Red heads, then?" Bush asked, amused.

"No." Archie answered contentedly from behind the canvas wall. "Virtue."

THE END
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*Borrowed with much respect from Forester's "The Last Encounter"

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