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To: The Producers of A&E in re: Future Hornblower episodes
Respectfully Submitted by: A Scary Fangirl
To Whom It May Concern:
It has come to my attention that there is a
possibility of a fourth Hornblower series making it to television.
In the hope that this is true, and with the fervent desire to aid in the
cultivation of an outcome that is beneficial to both your network and your
audience (in particular, the Hornblower fans in your audience), I humbly ask
that the following be taken into consideration:
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YOU'VE ALREADY USED THE FILM. DO
SOMETHING WITH IT. Your average DVD comes with oodles of extras.
Cool extras. Surely something as worthy as Hornblower
should be able to boast of an 'additional content' section containing
something more exciting than a bibliographic paragraph on C.S. Forester and a
digitized cannon. I'm talking bloopers. Interviews. Generic behind the
scenes footage. Show me Paul McGann cracking up over a blown line. Get Paul Copley to do
a cast commentary. Heck, film Ioan Gruffudd walking around the set
sweating. You don't even have to beef it up with interesting
effects or music. Give it to me right out of the box. I will not
only watch, I will sing your praises for their inclusion on the DVD.
In fact, if you sold a DVD with nothing but outtakes from the first three series,
I'd buy THAT. Honest. Add this stuff and the fangirl-generated
dollars will come rolling in.
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DROP THE FIRST NAMES. Hornblower
is in command of his own ship now and being buddy-buddy with his subordinates
is simply not appropriate to his character. He's not Jack Aubrey (Thank
God). He shouldn't be "Horatio" to anyone but Maria (whose name,
incidentally, is "Mar-ee-ah" not "Mar-eye-ah", but I suppose it's too late to
do anything about that). And "Bush" should be simply that, NOT
"William". The use of characters' Christian names is a cop-out way of
'establishing' a close relationship without having to go through the difficult
process of actually illustrating a relationship. Your writers are paid
to develop meaningful connections between the characters. I implore you to make them earn their living.
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IF YOU'RE GOING TO INVEST, MAKE IT SHOW.
The video quality on the first series was good. It slipped a little in
the second. It took a nose-dive in the third. Granted, the bulk of
your audience won't give a fig for the production quality (probably won't even
notice it, to tell you the truth), but it makes it darned difficult to splice
different scenes together and create a seamless music video when there is such a
difference in film quality. *Ahem* Not, of course, that anyone in
the fandom would even consider re-envisioning your wonderful drama
without your express written consent...
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THINK BEFORE YOU KILL OFF CHARACTERS.
Yes, I'm bitter. There was just enough dramatic justification for
me to allow you to get by with getting rid of Kennedy. At least in that
instance you were kind enough to give us the consolation of a kick-arse final
scene. But what the heck was up with blowing Bracegirdle to kingdom
come? Were Duty's writers aware that Hotspur was not the
last novel of the series? Book junkies would have fallen at your feet
for a glimpse of Atropos's 'watch on the coffin' scene! Oy.
We understand that you're going for 'impact' when a character dies, but there
are limits. (And just to give you fair warning: If the Grim Reaper
dares to let his shadow fall upon Matthews, there are going to be serious
problems.)
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A LITTLE SUBTLETY, IF YOU DON'T MIND.
As a whole, the audience for these films isn't dense. We are capable of
seeing the 'father-son' type relationship between Pellew and Hornblower
without having Sir Edward quote 1 Corinthians at his protégé. Believe it
or not, we would also be able to understand that Hornblower has a hard time
believing that people think highly of him even if you didn't have him
staring back like a monkey doing a math problem at Pellew's over the top
declarations of admiration. Forgive my presumption in again suggesting
that your writers recall their grade school creative writing teachers' advice
to "show, not tell". If they need direction, they can review HH1.
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ON BEHALF OF THE WORLD, I DEMAND PARITY.
I know that there's nothing that you can do in regards to the inane regional
coding system that has been established. However, just because whoever
came up with that was a fruitcake of the first order doesn't mean that you
have follow his or her lead and produce different versions of the Hornblower
series for the various parts of the world. Don't chop out whole scenes
on the Region 1 video then include additional shots on the Region 2 version.
If you're going to have a "Behind the Scenes" show on the Region 4 DVD, would
it REALLY be that difficult to tack it to the end of the Region 1 and 2
editions? One version. All inclusive. That's all I ask.
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STAY GENERALLY WITHIN THE CONFINES OF
THE BOOK, PLEASE. I'm rational enough to conceive of the
difficulties of translating a book to film--particularly a book in which the
main perspective consists of the interior dialogue of a generally
uncommunicative person--so I don't mind little detours from canon. It's
when whole plots are eliminated from the novels to make way for invented ones
that I get antsy. With all due respect, you are not C.S. Forester.
Chances are if he only spent a single sentence to describe something there was
a reason. Namely, that it wasn't important enough to the story to merit
even a paragraph and shouldn't be
made so.
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FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, DON'T
GIVE US ANY MORE SUPERFLUOUS FEMALES. The women in your audience
are there for the well-written stories, the ships, the history and the hot men
in uniform. We don't have to see smooching in order to like something.
Don't insult us by forcing Hornblower into romances that didn't exist.
It only manages to take Hornblower out of character and make the actresses
unfortunate enough to get those roles the easy targets of our vitriol.
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DECK SHOWERS ARE CANON.
Want to win the undying love of movie and book fans alike while garnering
massive ratings? Four words: Gruff in the buff.
I thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
AScary Fangirl
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