Dear Dr. Clive by CommanderGrace

The doctor is IN - INebriated, IN a bad wig, etc....but 'in' nonetheless!  And he's here to answer all kinds of questions!

Dear Dr. Clive,

I serve aboard a ship, and I have a real problem with dry skin.  Well, really, it's raw and bleeding skin--but it's in kind of an embarrassing area...my backside.  It MAY have something to do with repeated floggings, but I'm not sure.  In any case, the salt water and sea air are REALLY starting to irritate it.  Can you suggest anything I can put on it, to soothe it?

-Not Feeling Well(ard)

Dear NFW,

The first piece of advice I would give is: Don't get FLOGGED!  But if you can't avoid that, there are a few things you could do to tend your tender behind.  I have a particular salve I could recommend, and it's available at any ship's sick berth--just ask your ship's surgeon.  Generally speaking, it's more effective when applied by a new figure in the medical profession--the fangirl.  This angel of mercy is better for the morale and good health of lonely sailors than any medicine, so I would suggest you find one to assist you in the application of this salve--and put all your troubles behind you!

Dear Doctor Clive,

Help!  I think I'm losing my mind!  The other day I woke up in the hold of this ship, you see, and I THINK I'm the Captain of it, but everyone keeps telling me I'm nuts, putting me in straitjackets, taking over the ship, etc., etc.  So, I'm confused, to say the least!  I'm not sure what to do...I've tried music therapy--I love this song about true British sailors, and there's this other one about Spanish ladies--but everyone's a critic, and they keep telling me to shut up!  Then I developed this cutting problem, and they took my razor away.  Imagine that!  I don't know what to do.  I feel like I'm losing control!  Should I get some therapy, or check myself into a clinic or something?  Or is it all just my imagination, and once all these poisonous young reptiles get the heck off my ship I'll be fine???  Help!!!!

-Captain Crazy

Dear Captain,

I understand your frustration and confusion, but I'm afraid this one may be a little out of my league.  I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist! (Well, yes, I know a psychiatrist IS a doctor, but...)  It sounds to me like you have some serious issues, and with respect, you need expert help, and you need it NOW!  My advice would be, as soon as you get yourself out of that straitjacket, run--don't walk--to the nearest clinic and check yourself in!  They may be able to give you an effective medication, such as laudanum.  Remember--delusions of grandeur, paranoia, and self-harm are all SERIOUS problems, and should not be ignored!  Doctor Clive wants you around to read his column for a very long time to come...

Dear Doctor Clive,

I don't know if you accept questions from the enemy, but I don't know where else to turn!  I run a garrison in Spain--well, some people call it a prison, but really, it's just a humble military outpost--but I'm REALLY lonely.  Some time ago, there was this lady who was staying here--English, but I wouldn't hold that against her--and I thought I had it made with her, but then this Froggy gent came along and stole her right out from under my nose!  In my OWN home!!  And this man is supposed to be my ALLY!

Well, long story short, they both left, and so did all my OTHER guests, and now I'm just an old aristocrat with a lot of property and no one to share it with.  Would it be a breach of etiquette--or would I start an international incident--if I sent a letter to this lady, asking her to return to sunny Spain?  I know it's a rather dull post to be imprisoned on, but I'm SERIOUSLY thinking of turning the place into a health spa/resort ANYway, so maybe it'd be more attractive to a woman if I installed a pool, had the place landscaped, hired a massage staff, etc....What do you think?

--Wastin' Away Again in Massaredoville

Dear Wastin',

Like that of my last reader, you letter may be a little beyond my area of expertise, but as a medical profession, I HAVE received a certain amount of education in the arts and sciences of human relationships, so I think I can help you out a little here.

It may be a little dangerous, in the present political climate, to attempt to initiate a serious relationship with someone from a country your own nation is at war with.  That said, however, all IS fair in love and war, and if that's the case, why not try mixing the two up a little?  After all you only live once, so make yourself happy if you can!  Try writing the lady and see what she says, first of all.  If she says no, you're no worse off than you are now.  Well, other than living with the rejection, but one gets used to it!  After all, I'm a doctor and SHOULD be considered highly desirable, but for some reason the fangirls only want the OTHER guys on this ship!

But enough about MY problems.  If she says yes, then you're halfway there!  Plant some flowers, hire an interior decorator, lose some of the guards, and maybe plant a few more of those nice peach trees you've got.  And for GOODNESS sake, DON'T rely on a bad wig to perk up your appearance!  TRUST me on this!  Be yourself--and give the lady what she wants.  Don't ever treat her like a cask of beef gone off, and you'll be amazed at how soon you'll be promenading on the nearest cliff with her, having all sorts of conversations...

Well, that's all the room we have in our column this time, but until next time, this is Doctor Clive saying, a rum ration a day keeps the doctor away!  Be healthy, be well!

And that, too, is my medical opinion...

Got a question for the Doctor???  Address all questions to:

Dear Doctor Clive

Box 1801, Dept. WIG

Portsmouth

All questions become the property of "Dear Doctor Clive".  We're sorry, but only questions selected for publication can be answered.

DISCLAIMER:  The above is for entertainment purposes only.  This is a fictional column, with no doctor and no medical expert involved, and no expertise claimed or implied, and is not intended to diagnose, treat, or otherwise comment on any condition, nor is it intended to give serious advice of any type.  It is a work of fiction, intended solely for entertainment purposes.  Any other use, implication, or intent is not the responsibility of the author, the editor, the site owner, or any other entity connected with the creation, publication, or distribution of said work of fiction.  No claim of ownership or profit is intended or implied with regard to any fictional entities, situations, or places referred to or alluded to herein.  Any actual, real-life medical conditions, suspected conditions, or real-life concerns or questions should be referred to a qualified medical and/or health care professional.

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